


A Two-Gem Play

by love_killed_the_superstar



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, i mean it big spoilers if you haven't watched it yet, spoilers for a single pale rose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 20:28:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14577015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_killed_the_superstar/pseuds/love_killed_the_superstar
Summary: She wishes she could say something. She wishes she could run to Garnet and bawl her eyes out and be listened to. She wishes she could find Bismuth's gem buried under a mountain of rubble, set her free and scream her heart out. She wishes she could confess, admit, speak her mind just once as these terrible thoughts plague her.But it's a private emotion, and no excess of guilt will bleed this truth away.(Spoilers for A Single Pale Rose.)





	A Two-Gem Play

**Author's Note:**

> WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN  
> DO YOU KNOW HOW CONFLICTED MY ROSEPEARL-LOVING HEART IS RIGHT NOW  
> I'M DISTRAUGHT

She gets too stuck in her own head sometimes.

When she guards the galaxy warp, on quiet nights with Garnet, where neither of them say a word. When she sits outside the Forge, silently sharpening weaponry against a star-shaped whetstone, wishing she could hear Bismuth's humming through the walls like she used to. The sound of a sword against stone sends her right back.

She doesn't know how it's possible to feel this guilty. There is no metaphysical blood on her hands, no _real_ shards, no _real_ death – but it's been done. She's essentially killed her Diamond. She plunged the sword right into her, watched her scatter everywhere, and whenever Rose is around it's okay, it's all an act, a two-gem play performed for the masses. But when she's alone – oh, when she's alone it _haunts_ her, like a piano out of tune. How is it even possible to mourn a death that never happened? How is it possible to be thrown into a panic, crying and sweating and convulsing, at the thought of something that _never happened?_

She wishes she could say something. She wishes she could run to Garnet and bawl her eyes out and be listened to. She wishes she could find Bismuth's gem buried under a mountain of rubble, set her free and scream her heart out. She wishes she could confess, admit, speak her mind just once as these terrible thoughts plague her.

But it's a private emotion, and no excess of guilt will bleed this truth away.

 

…

 

She sees a gem crushed in battle.

It was a friend of hers, a marialite who wore a garland of flowers wound into her hair as a sign of peace. She was taken by surprise, ambushed by a jasper with a barbed club, and her shards scattered everywhere. Pearl, forcing an amethyst off of her with a snarl, feels the shards of her friend dig into her, piercing her skin and grazing her gem. She freezes over, staring numbly at what remains of her friend, pale lilac pieces that glint at her mockingly as the amethyst takes hold of her head, slamming it back and forth against the ground, twisting her neck-

There's a snap and she releases instantly, vision seeping into white once more.

She's back there at the palanquin. Rose is there, grinning at her, so excited for the next chapter of their lives. They'll never be owner and pearl again, they'll be... equals. Such a terrifying, mesmerising concept. For a moment, that excitement washes over her too, and as they hug she can feel light and love and warmth pulsing through Rose, and she never wants to let go. When she does, and the sword is in her hands, being wrenched from its scabbard, she starts to float away. She can see it happen, see the moment Rose morphs back into Her, watches in silent terror as she takes that sword and thrusts it straight into-

She reforms, and Rose is cradling her and she is screaming.

“Shh, shh,” Rose says softly, gently, holding her close as the other rebels watch on in concern. _She's already lost it,_ a danburite whispers to a rutile hanging from their arm. _Were she and Maria even that close?_ an ulexite chimes in, with a disapproving frown.

Rose carries her away, sending a warning glance for Garnet not to follow, even as she hovers in concern. It's been a while since she's seen Pearl that bad.

Rose warps, and they find themselves in that dark cave once more, overlooking the beach, and the waves lap quietly against the mouth of the cave. Pearl is still wailing, holding onto her like she's terrified she'll shatter too if she lets go, and Rose carefully pries her away and attempts to wipe her tears.

“Oh, Pearl, I'm so sorry. You were there when Maria was shattered, weren't you?”

Pearl is shaking too hard to even speak, her eyes blown wide with terror, and she stares at Rose like she's seen a ghost itself.

Rose grips onto her.

“Pearl, please, I'm begging you, please calm down. Take deep breaths, there you go, it's all right...”

Her voice is so tender and kind, but it feels acidic against her gem and she wilts, burying her head in Rose's chest. Soft arms curl around her, holding her together, and she weeps openly for what feels like weeks. Rose rocks her, hums to her, plays with her hair, all the things she knows that she likes. Normally, this would help, but she can't stop replaying that awful scene in her mind. Marialite screaming as her gem fractured and burst open, scattering everywhere. Shards littered around hibiscuses, pink and gleaming. Standing there stricken, clutching a sword that wasn't hers, surrounded by gems wailing in horror and screaming abuse at her.

She remembers fleeing, running through the mountains of Korea all night, clutching Pink's – no, _Rose's_ gem like a lifeline, keeping her in the present, keeping her moving. When Rose had reformed, a beaming smile on her face, and embraced Pearl so tightly, she was sure that was the worst of it. Only good things were to come.

But she sits here, cradled in Rose's lap, and she sobs.

When her tears finally slow to a halt, the sun is beginning to rise, the water shimmering gold, the clouds pink. She pulls back, scrubbing at her sore eyes crudely with clenched fists.

“I'm sorry,” she stammers, “I'm-”

“It's okay,” murmurs Rose, and she squeezes Pearl's shoulders, running her hands down her arms, keeping her in the moment. “Oh, Pearl, please talk to me.”

But what can she say? What can she possibly say without making things worse?

“I can't stop thinking about it,” she whispers, gripping onto Rose to steady herself. She can't bring herself to look. “When I'm by myself... I see the – the palanquin. I see you, b-but you from _before,_ and I-”

Rose shushes her, a finger against her trembling mouth.

“Pearl, we talked about this. Remember?”

Pearl starts to quiver, her hands shaking as she tries to hold onto Rose.

“I'm, I'm sorry, b-but I keep seeing it in m-my head, the way you just-”

“Pearl.”

“Stop,” croaked Pearl, squeezing her eyes shut. “Stop, w-we didn't talk about it, all right?! _You_ decided it for yourself, that I can't s-say those words, but I can't stop myself from _seeing_ it, Rose!”

She can't bear to be silenced for another minute, and yet the time passes, and Rose is still staring at her sadly.

“Oh, Pearl,” she says, but it isn't sad and remorseful like Pearl had expected. Instead, it sounds almost amused. “That wasn't real. What happened to me wasn't real. What I, Rose Quartz, did to Pink Diamond – _that_ was real. That's what you have to remember.”

Pearl reaches to grip the base of her throat, feeling dizzy.

“I... I know that, Rose, of course I know that, I just...” She swallows. “When I see the shards, I – they were pink, j-just like y-”

Her hands clamp over her mouth, suddenly, and she stares up at Rose in horror.

Rose's face contorts in disbelief, her eyes widening as she and Pearl watch each other in fear of what comes next. The moment passes, unsettlingly long, and cautiously Pearl's hands lower. She lets out a sob, eyes filling with tears again, and Rose sets her down on the sand, beginning to pace.

“Oh my stars,” she whispers, running her hands through her hair. She glances down at Pearl, sniffling on the ground, and curses, tearing her gaze away. “Clodding – oh my stars, oh _frack,_ what have I _done_ to you, Pearl?”

Pearl stares up at her in pure confusion, wiping at her eyes.

“Y-You mean this wasn't... intentional?”

(Even now, she chooses her words carefully. It's been almost 100 years, but sometimes she still feels like she's tiptoeing around her, afraid to say the wrong thing. Can they ever truly be equals, while there's this lingering uncertainty?)

“Of course not!” Rose gasps, spinning round to stare at her. Rose's eyes are filled with horror, her hands are shaking. “Stars, Pearl! What I said – what she said to you, that – yes, it was an order, b-but I didn't think – oh, frack, I didn't mean to _do_ this to you!”

Pearl's gem feels cold, her chest seizes.

“You... you didn't want _this_ for me.”

Rose shakes her head, and her eyes are bright with tears.

“No, never.” She kneels down opposite Pearl. “I'm... I'm so sorry. I... I've felt so detached from what came _before,_ Pearl, by the end I never even thought I'd have that kind of power.”

Pearl wipes her eyes and peers at Rose.

“It was an order. A D-Diamond-”  
Her hands fly up to her mouth again, and she wrestles for a few moments, chest heaving in panic, before she resigns herself to voicelessness. Her hands slowly lower, and Rose is crying openly now, pushing her hair back and screwing up handfuls of her dress.

“Damn it! Pearl, I screwed up and you're paying for it!”

For all the instincts in her screaming to dismiss these claims, to remove her blame, the tiniest voice in the depths of Pearl's gem murmurs, _good. I'm glad you're horrified. I'm glad you're ashamed. You did this to me. All you needed to do was trust me._

Instead, Pearl stands, looking down at Rose with a stern expression.

“Don't be so dramatic, Rose Quartz.”

Rose stops mid-sob, gaze wrenching up to meet hers in confusion.

“Wh... What?”

“I said don't be so dramatic,” Pearl says again, just barely controlling the tremor in her voice. “You're our Crystal Gem leader. Why would you be c-caught up, in what Pink Diamond did? You... you shattered her. She doesn't exist.”

“I... I did,” Rose says blankly, reaching up to wipe her eyes. “I did, um. Shatter her.”

Pearl holds out a hand, and Rose takes it, shakily rising to her feet.

“So tell me that,” Pearl pleads. “Rose, tell me you did that. Tell me how it hurts, but that it was the right thing to do.”

There's a huff of laughter, and Rose pulls her into a tight hug, rocking her and peppering her hair with kisses.

“I did it. I did all of it. I promise you that.”

It will get easier, Pearl imagines, the longer they fool themselves into these roles. She doesn't want it to feel like a pretence, and maybe one day it will feel as organic as the hibiscus Rose absently winds into her hair as they hug in the early morning sunshine. For now, they have their parts to play, much like before, but unlike the early days, this performance doesn't have to end. It can keep going, and going, for as long as they fight, and as long as they manage to love.

The shattering feels almost dreamlike now, just a two-gem play performed for the masses.

 

**Author's Note:**

> while writing this i literally made a playlist called "songs to cope with the pd reveal" THAT'S how worked up i am about this  
> i don't even know if i agree with this fic at all and i literally wrote it  
> my opinions keep changing constantly  
> -EDIT-  
> Ya'll wanted the playlist so badly I made it public so here it is, forgive me for all the coldplay: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSo3yOOnFh-P-gzxEqWzAX18i5xcshTB_


End file.
